Codename Valkyrie
by Dantea Dredkin
Summary: LokiXOC. "I still don't know your name." Loki said. "Codename; Valkyrie." This strange manipulator of fate might just be the one for him, if he can refrain from killing her for long enough.
1. Codename Valkyrie

**Location; S.H.E.I.L.D's giant flying aircraft carrier.**

**Time; Just after Loki escapes and grabs his staff.  
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**Make note of the fact that not everything is going to be exactly right, because I've only seen the movie once and I don't remember everything in detail. For example, I can't recall if Loki escaped in a helicopter or an airplane.  
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**Like, whatever.  
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**Enjoy.**

* * *

Loki walked down the corridor with confident strides. Everything had so far gone as planned. He'd escaped, gotten his staff back, killed a guy. All in all, it was a good day. He smirked as he walked.

"Hey."

He paused, looked around. The hallway was empty. His brow creased. Glancing around suspiciously, he continued on his way.

"Hey you."

This time, he stopped completely. "Reveal yourself!" He demanded angerly. The pristine halls remained stubbornly empty. He glared at the walls, waiting for someone to jump out at him.

"Hey. Get out of here." The voice came again. "Go back the way you came."

Loki looked suspiciously at the wall the sound seemed to be originating from. He walked up to it and peered at it with narrowed, blue eyes. To him, it appeared to be an average Midguardian wall in every way. He sniffed at it curiously.

Suddenly, a hand shot out, straight _through_ the wall, grabbed the lapel of his jacket, and pulled him into an undignified heap on the other side. He growled and jumped up, glaring at the girl that was now proceeding to ignore him.

"Mortal! I will grind your bones into dust!" He shouted. "You will regret the day-"

"Shut up." She glanced at him, then turned back to looking into the hall he had just been in, as if there hadn't been a wall there a second ago. He glared at her as she put her back against the wall and peered around the corner.

"You are less than nothing compared to me!" Loki raved. "I can make you-"

"Six fifty three p.m., objective two minuets from extraction point." The girl said, giving no reaction to his outburst. She held a tape recorder to her lips, and she whispered, as if not wanting to be over herd. "The Weasel has chosen to accompany me on my mission, bringing great pearl with his obnoxious noise, threatening to give us away."

Loki blinked in disbelief. "A weasel?" He said, outraged. "Obnoxious? I am a mighty god! I will rule this world with an iron fist! I will-"

"-give us away with your obnoxious noise." She glared pointedly at him, and turned back to observing the corridor with sharp eyes. She continued to narrate into the tape recorder, leaving Loki to sputter stupidly at her.

"Six fifty four p.m., objective one minuet from extraction point." She whispered. "Weasel fumes in background while I prepare myself for the defining moment of my life. Will they write books about this moment? Erect monuments? Sing great ballads?" She hesitated. "Probably not. But they should."

"What are you on about?"

"Shhh!" She made a sharp gesture with her hand, and Loki unconsciously moved to put his back against the wall when he herd voices and movement coming down the hall.

"What is-"

"Shh!" She hissed again. Her voice lowered further. "Target approaching. Prepare for action."

"What was that?" A male voice inquired.

"I dunno." Another replied. "Did it come from over the intercom?"

"Despite my clever hiding place," The girl continued to speak into the recorder. "They seem to be on to me." She glanced back at Loki and wrinkled her nose. The God stared at her, finally realizing she was an idiot. "Perhaps they can smell the Weasel's breath."

"Hey!" He shouted. She stomped a boot on his foot, and he glared at her and pulled out of the fugitive crouch he had joined her in against the wall. He stepped back and pointed his spear threateningly at her, just as two S.H.E.I.L.D. lackeys came walking into view. They were looking around the corridor, much as Loki had just moments ago, confused. They didn't seem to notice the god or the weird girl. A hover cart trailed behind them, moving without human assistance and no doubt following their heat signatures.

"Do you think it's one of Ginta's jokes?" One of them asked.

"I don't think even he would joke at a time like this." The other replied.

"They may be on to us," The girl whispered into the recorder. "But by the time they find us, it will be much too late."

One of the guards glanced around and began pointing his weapon around. "Hey, we can hear you, you know."

Loki shook his head. "I don't have time for this." He began to step in the direction of the guards in the adjacent corridor, who still seemed confused and unable to locate him, despite the fact that he was right in front of them. He was stopped by a tug on his sleeve.

"Chance of death if you continue on your current course are two hundred to one." She said, looking at him straight in the eyes. "I advise you wait-" She looked at her watch. "-thirty seven seconds before attempting to leave. Escape is a distinct possibility if my advice is followed."

"Hey!" Guard One shouted nervously. "Show yourself! We know your there!"

Loki snorted. "I do as I please." He jerked his sleeve out of her hand and turned back to the corridor just as-

Explosion. That's all it could be called. The ground rocked beneath his feet, and a wave of hot air had him sprawled back on the ground. The girl, leaning against the wall, kept her footing steady and remained unaffected by the blast wave. His jaw dropped open as an enormous, green..._thing_ roared and charged at the poor guards, who started in shock as the Hulk bore down on them.

They eventually regained their senses and scrambled to their feet, desperately trying to escape. They disappeared from sight, and the Hulk came pounding down like a gorilla and disappeared after them.

Loki sat, stunned, for a moment, before he shook himself and stood, stumbling twords the now destroyed hallway.

"Wait just one more moment..." The girl cautioned. Loki stopped this time, looking at her. How had she known that would happen? Or maybe she just got lucky. But she seemed to have it timed down the exact _second_ it would happen. He looked back to the corridor as pounding footsteps came to him.

His brother, _ex-brother,_ Thor came stampeding down the hallway after the giant green Hulk, his hammer firmly clasped his fist. He didn't even glance at Loki as he passed the side corridor they resided in, and he was gone as soon as he came.

The girl ran up and pulled him forward into the hall. Loki looked back, only to be greeted by the smooth, innocent wall he had only been able to see from this side of the hallway.

"Obstructions taken care of." She said into the tape recorder. "Five minuet window now open to complete objective and escape to next check point."

She released his sleeve and moved to the hover cart, now standing oddly untouched in the middle of the destruction. It was loaded down with unmarked, cardboard boxes that were quickly raided by the girl and placed in a backpack she had slung over one shoulder. The boxes were not small, however, and she only fit two before she turned back to Loki and grabbed his sleeve again.

"Mission accomplished." She said into the recorder. "Objective attained. Weasel and I now have four minuets, twenty five seconds to escape before our chances of remaining undetected are cut in half."

"I'm not a weasel." Loki muttered childishly as he was pulled along.

"Are too." She looked back at him and stuck her tongue out. He scowled. She suddenly took a turn into a janitor's closet, taking the annoyed God with her. He really couldn't understand why he was going along with this.

"What are we doing-"

"Shh!" She hissed. He was starting to really hate that sound.

"Second obstruction arriving in seven point three seconds." She whispered. "Prepare to fall silent."

And sure enough, footsteps from outside the door. An entire platoon of foot solders. Loki and the girl waited patently until all the men had passed, taking their shouts and panicking orders with them. After that, she once again raised the recorder to her lips.

"It almost killed me, but I managed not to gag at the sheer amount of Asguardian ego choking up the air. I may need to burn my cloths, however."

"That's it." Loki scowled. "Who are you to taunt me, the god of lies?"

"God of lies?" She questioned him. "Then you should be able to tell I haven't lied once in my observations of you." With that, she was out the door and running down the hall, leaving the angerly sputtering Loki to catch up on his own.

"Hey!" He shouted when he caught her. "You didn't answer my question!"

"You are the _oh so_ mighty god of something or other. What do you care?"

He growled. "I want to know the name of the idiot I'm about to smite."

"Smite? Really?" She smirked.

Irritated, he marched ahead of her, taking a left. "Forget this!" He fumed. "I have better things to be doing."

"I wouldn't go that way if I were you." She called.

He sighed, stopped, and massaged his eyes with his fingertips. "And why not?" He asked, his back to her.

"No reason." She said innocently. "It just might hinder your 'better things to do' excuse."

"For your information-" He spun around, his spear extended and glowing ominously, only to find the hallway empty. He cautiously poked at the walls for a bit, and glared suspiciously at the empty corridor, before finally turning on his heels and striding down the hallway.

"I'm still going this way." He grumbled to himself.

After wading through group of guards that just took _forever_ to die, he walked for about twenty minuets before coming to a dead end and turning around in a huff. He really should not have turned left. It took him, like, forever to find his way to the launch pad where his minions were waiting with an escape chopper.

Only it was leaving without him.

"I will kill them all in the most horrible way imaginable." He muttered under his breath. He raised his spear to the heavens, and with a rush of magic, he was launched off the ground and into the air. He landed with a sizable boom on the helicopter's open platform, not quite as _thunderous _as his brother would have done it, but impressive, none the less.

"Who the bloody hell-" He began to yell, before noticing all his minions were remarkably unresponsive for escaping villains. In fact, they almost looked...he wrinkled his nose. Yep. Yep, they were definitely dead.

He ground his teeth together and glared at the cockpit, where the unknown pilot had not yet acknowledged him. "Hey! Who the hell do you think you are?" He shouted. A helmeted head swiveled around to look at him, and he noticed the dark brown hair and box shaped back pack sitting next to her, and oh god there was that _smirk..._

"Took you long enough, Weasel." Her voice came on over the intercom, patronizing and annoying. "You really took your time, didn't you?"

He narrowed his eyes and pointed his spear at her. Her grin widened. "Do you know how to drive one of these things?" She asked. His spear was, reluctantly, lowered.

"You will transport me to a place of my choosing." He demanded.

"Hmm? Oh, yah, sure, sure. We just have to make a quick pit stop."

He took one long, restraining breath in, and reached around with his staff to place the sharp point at her breast bone. Blue light streamed into her body and she jerked. "You will do as I say." He demanded. Her eyes glazed over.

"Yes master." She droned. Loki smirked triumphantly, completely missing the fact that her eyes were still green instead of the hazy blue of his other minions.

"But first we have to make a pit stop, master." She droned. Loki frowned.

"But after that, I can ether kiss your boots or your ass, as your preference, master." She continued in the same monotone. He scowled."Oh, shut up." He growled.

She snickered. One delicately feminine hand reached forward and flicked a switch on the control panel of the helicopter, and she turned and stood up. "Auto pilot will get us there, but it won't land us, so don't go thinking you don't need me." She grabbed her backpack off the floor and brushed past him uncomfortably close to get to the passenger section, seating herself in one of the harnesses not occupied by a corpse.

Loki, still moody, followed her and took the seat across from her. "Why didn't that work on you?" He demanded.

"Please!" She said as she removed one of the boxes from her backpack. "Don't make me laugh! Such tricks won't work on me." Loki watched, interested despite himself, as she opened the box and proceeded to pull out...

"What are Oreos?" He asked, confused.

She looked at him, and very seriously said, "The food of the Gods."

He frowned. "I do not recall ever seeing such-"

"Oh, take a joke!" She said sarcastically. "God, so damn serious all the time!" She grinned impishly at him suddenly and deepened her voice, like an imitation. "Why so serious?"

"I fail to find anything to laugh at in this dreary, hallow world of fools." He said dryly.

"Oh my God!" She cried. "How can you not get a batman reference?" She threw her hands up and, as if talking to some higher being, cried, "How can he not get a batman reference?"

"Silence your mockery at once, girl!" He demanded. "Or I might just find the effort it takes to heal myself from a high fall worth killing you."

"Would you like an Oreo?" She asked suddenly, smiling. He glared at her.

"I find no pleasure in your pathetic, Midguardian, so-called food." He sneered at her.

"Would you like one, or two?" She asked, with that same smile as she opened the package.

He glowered. "Two."

"I will show you how to eat them properly." She said happily. She pulled out what looked to Loki like three disks stuck together, in the pattern of black, white, black. She handed it to him and took another for herself.

"Okay," She said, holding up her cookie. "First, you have to pull it apart, like this, and then you lick the white stuff off whichever side it sticks to" Loki, studying her actions intently, did as she did, and licked off the white...paste? Was it sapost to be some sort of frosting? His face scrunched up.

"Can you not eat the black part?" He asked.

"Not yet." She rolled her eyes. "That's next." She held up the remaining part of her cookie. "You have to put the two sides back together again, and _then _you eat them." She demonstrated.

"But, would it not be easier to just eat the two colors together, as they come?" He asked, confused.

"No!" She admonished, glaring. "That's a stupid fricken gimmick and everybody knows it!"

He blinked at her, but did as she said, grumbling the whole time. "You still haven't told me who you are." He muttered.

She looked at him then, long and hard, and finally, she pulled the tape recorder out of her jacket and and held it once more to her lips. "Codename," She began.

His eyes flashed to her's.

"Valkyrie."

* * *

**Yah, so apparently in this, Loki never threw Thor out the window, but he still managed to escape. And apparently, he can't use his mighty god powers to not get lost in a big airship**** (or common sense, apparently, because men just _never_ ask for directions)**. And apparently, some girl snuck aboard to kidnap him and steal some Oreos that were under armed guard.  


**Whatever.  
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**Read and Review.**


	2. A God and a Janitor

**Location; Escaping helicopter**

**Time;Just after Loki and Valkyrie escape  
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**This one is a little shorter.  
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**Enjoy.**

* * *

Loki watched as the girl who called herself Valkyrie landed the flying device. They were in a rather empty field outside of some nearby Midguardian town. He had decided to humor her without complaint, for no other reason than to convince his pride that he was_ letting_ her make this 'pit stop' as she called it, and was most certainly not being_ forced_ to go along with it.

Because he wasn't, really.

At least, that's what he told himself.

"What are you planing on doing here?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. They were walking over to a rather empty warehouse.

"Oh, lots of cleaver little things." She replied.

Stepping inside, he could see the place was in absolute disrepair, not to mention the hole in the ceiling and the enormous crater in the concrete floor. The hole that now housed the quite naked, unconscious body of Dr. Bruce Banner. Loki gripped his staff and peered suspiciously at the man, wary of seeing the green monster that had so stunned him earlier.

"What is he doing here?" He asked, glaring at Valkyrie. "How did you know where he would land?"

"I'm just amazing that way." She replied flippantly. "Hey, you got a cell phone?"

He blinked at her. "A what?"

She sighed. "Never mind. I guess I'll have to use mine. And I really liked this one, too." She pulled out one of the Midguardian, plastic communication devices from her pocket and proceeded to press many buttons on it at a dizzying rate, green eyes focused on the screen. He used this time to study her, noting the old cloths, wind-mussed dark hair, skinny build.

"Mmmum." She hummed. "That's done. I hope Nick can't trace a crushed phone, but what do I know?" She dropped the device to the floor and stepped on it, crushing it into little pieces. He had seen one of his minions do something similar-Clyde? Clause? Clint?-when he was first turned. He had said it was so they couldn't be 'traced' and he incised the other minions followed his lead.

"Now." She bounced cheerily on her heels and smiled. "I need an illusion from you."

He blinked at her, lifted the corner of his lip, actually snorted a little, before finally releasing the floodgates and burst out laughing in her face. "Oh this is priceless!" He wiped a tear from the corner of his eye. "You think _I'm _going to help _you?_ I _despise _you!"

"Aww!" She cooed. "I despise you too, Weasel. Now as for that illusion?"

"No way!"

"Please?" She begged, pouting a little.

"No!" He said indignantly.

"Pwitty pwease?" Puppy dog eyes, now. He faltered. "What are you doing? Stop that this instant."

"Pwitty pwitty pwease with ice cream on top?"

"I do not care for your iced cream, wrench!" He shouted, panicked at the crocodile tears leaking out of her eyes.

"Loki?"

He actually flinched.

"Please?"

Those damn _eyes._

There are some things you must understand before you judge this poor, abused god for giving in to her demands. One, Asguardians were warriors, first and foremost, and therefore were grizzled, unappealing muscle men that couldn't pull off a puppy dog face for the life of them. Two, Asguardians actually had some _pride, _and would never be caught dead even attempting something so close to begging, even if they could pull it off. And third, Loki might be the God of Mischief, but that meant he _caused _mischief, not that he was immune to it.

He was woefully unprepared for the power of Midguardian doggy eyes.

"Fine!" He threw up his hands. "But can we please hurry up after what ever your doing? If you make me late for my own invasion, I swear to Odin I will smite you and raise you from the dead just so I can smite you again!"

She imidietly perked up,and Loki got the distinct, uncomfortable impression he had been played.

"Again, with the smiting." She said. "Well, come on, suit me up. I just need someone who wouldn't look out of place hanging around here alone."

Loki looked around at the place the Hulk had landed from his plummet. What human would you expect to find alone in a place like this? He smirked, and with a wave of his hand, Valkyrie was gone and in her place stood an old, dark skinned janitor.

"Well," He said, observing himself. "It'll do the trick. I even get a mop!"

A sudden groan from Dr. Banner had both of them looking at him in a panic. "Get out of here!" The janitor said, gesturing frantically at the God. "Wa-?" He began.

"Shoo! Go invisible or something!" Janitor Valkyrie began hitting him over the head with the earlier mentioned mop, prompting him to run away and hide behind a corner, pouting like a little girl.

He didn't catch all of the conversation his new-minion? Partner? Slave? Dare he say it-friend?-had with the beast playing at being a man, but he _definitely _caught the words they had after an inconsequential mentioning of aliens falling from the sky, when she mentioned a helicopter that had just _happened _to be parked only a little ways over that way, and _wasn't that strange?_

Yes, and what a coincidence, because the Dr. just _happened_ to be in need of transport to New York, and _how lucky was that?_

It was only after Dr. Banner had left, and Valkyrie was leaning on her mop _just so,_ looking after the place the Dr. had disappeared to, that he let the illusion drop, _coincidentally_ dropping the annoying girl onto the floor with the loss of the supporting mop.

"That was mean." She glared up at him from the floor.

"You just gave my helicopter to my enemy!" He seethed. "Do you even realize how stupid this makes me look?"

"Pretty damn stupid."

"I needed that!" He yelled at her.

"Then why don't you go get it?" She raised an eyebrow questioningly. "I'm sure Dr. Banner will be _more _than accommodating, and the Big Guy will just be tickled green to see your smiling face again."

"Arhhh!" He shouted and walked away, shoulders tense.

"You know, I still don't know why you didn't just teleport away _ages _ago." She said.

He gave a wordless, frustrated shriek, and spun around, firing his spear at her, over and over again, ignoring the fact that she had once again disappeared completely and he was now unleashing blast after blast of blue, sizzling energy on the innocent floor.

He finally just turned away with a swirl of his cape and stalked out of the now empty building, kicking an empty trashcan on his way out for good measure. This was not a good way to start out invasion day.

He made it outside and squinted into the sunlight, and with a growl, a swirl of green energy, and a 'pop', he was gone.

* * *

_Nick Fury flipped open his cell phone to see a text message from an unknown number. He frowned. Nobody should have his cell number if he didn't want them to. He opened it and read it.  
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_**"Hey, Nick, do me a favor and clean out Agent Colson's locker for me, would you?"**  
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_His frown deepened. Nobody called him Nick. It just wasn't done. Who sent this? Some colleague that got his number some how? Didn't these people know by now he didn't do favors?  
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_He sighed. But it was for Colson. That insufferable, devoted, man that had worked diligently with him for many years. He had held him as he died.  
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_He pushed it out of his thoughts and headed down to the employee locker room. Fight now, mourn later. That was the motto of S.H.E.I.L.D. agents everywhere. He now needed to focus on how to motivate the Avengers to work together and fight this menace.  
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_A book. A canteen half full of coffee. A wallet full of pictures. Not family members, but friends and colleagues and people he had known all his life. They all went into the cardboard box that contained the meager remains of one man's life.  
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_And then he found them.  
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_Mint condition Captain America cards.  
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_His eye sharpened, and his lip twitched up at the corner as he thought. Yes, yes. This could be exactly what they needed. Just splash a little blood on them for dramatics, make a little speech. He would turn his friend into a martyr for the Avengers, their reason to fight.  
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_This could just be what they needed to tip the scales.  
_

* * *

**Valkyrie. I really like that name. It fits.**

**Just for a note, I would like to say the part where the black janitor mentioning a helicopter that just _happened _to be parked near by could have actually happened in the movie, because we never actually see what happens after the janitor tells him he has problems.  
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**My point is, I'm trying to change as little events outside of Loki's life as humanly possible in this fanfiction, but I may fail miserably and I don't really care if I do.  
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**Read and Review.  
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	3. Loki Throws People off A Tower

**Oh my god, I had such a fangirl moment the other day. It was scientist day and this guy on the bus dressed up like Tony, and I just about _died_, even though it wasn't actually _him_. I kept giving him these creepy half smiles and then looking away, because-well, I didn't really know him and I was staring at him like a stalker...**

**Anyway, this incident made me realize that if I ever met the actual Robert who plays Tony, I will die of a screaming orgasm on the spot.  
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**Which would be _really _embarrassing.  
**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

Everything was going as planned, even if he was a little late.

Dr. What's-His-Face had started building the machine on top of Stark towers _without him,_ and this made him really moody and pouty until he remembered he could kill him with one of those weird giant worm things once the portal opened.

Suitably cheered, he wandered into Tony's penthouse, mentally preparing a list of speeches he would give after he had been crowned Supreme King of all Things Awesome. Hmm. He liked the sound of that.

His smirk was fixed firmly on his thin lips when he entered the room through the balcony looking over the city. At least, that is, until he noticed someone was already there, rummaging through the refrigerator in Stark's kitchen. His brow creased, and stalked forward with a vengeance.

"Hey!"

The figure jerked, bumping their head against one of the shelves they were digging through. "Ouch!"

Oh gods.

Anyone but _her._

She pulled her head out of the refrigerator with a scowl, rubbing the back of her skull and holding a carton of milk. "You know, for a multi-billionaire, Tony really has no taste. Soy milk. Despicable." She shook her head in disappointment, but carried the 'soy milk' over to the bar, where she began pouring herself a glass.

Loki scowled at her. "How did you get here?"

"Very carefully." She said. "And you took _forever _to show up. I had to wait, like...almost five whole minuets before you got your lazy green ass over here."

His scowl deepened. "Are you not too old to be drinking milk? What are you, some kind of mewling child?"

"The very best kind." She smiled.

"How did you get here before me?" He asked again, gripping his staff tightly. He wondered, briefly, if she would disappear before he tried to shoot her if he didn't look away from her this time.

"Duh. I left before you." She rolled her eyes. "Now come over here and have a glass. A growing dictator needs three square meals a day."

"I don't want a glass of milk!" He shouted. "You will leave the premises at once and stop following me, or I will destroy you in the most horrible way imaginable!"

"Ooo, he has Oreos!" Valkyrie squealed, rummaging through the cupboards and completely ignoring him.

Loki slapped himself in the face.

"I left mine on the helicopter." She continued, opening the package and taking out a stack of the substance known as 'Oreos'. "I hope Dr. Banner likes them. He should be here in an hour or so."

"Why the hell did you help him anyways?" Loki said. "He is my enemy. If you were trying to stop me by using the beast, you will be sadly disappointed."

She raised an eyebrow. "How do you know I'm not gathering all your enemies in one place so you can kill them in one foul swoop?"

"If you were truly trying to help me, you would hang yourself." He said dryly.

"Sorry. I used all the rope hanging your minions." She said, smiling. "Go look in Tony's shower, you wouldn't _believe _how many body's can fit in there." She gave a suggestive eyebrow wriggle.

He looked at her. Looked at her some more. "I did not want to know how many bodies fit in Stark's shower. Really, I didn't. I'm considering pouring what you humans call 'acid' on my brain to erase the image that just put in my head."

"Wow." She blinked innocently. "You have such a perverted mind, Weasel. Who knew?"

Loki scowled, crossing his arms. "And stop calling me a weasel! My name is Loki! Loki! Lord and Supreme Master of All Things, to you."

Valkyrie shrugged and took an Or-e-o, and...what? She dipped it _into _the milk? This struck the god as an odd thing to do. He studied her closely as she ate it with a relish.

"I thought you were sapost to take them apart first?" Loki asked, glaring suspiciously at her.

"Not when you eat them with milk, stupid! Everybody knows that!" She said, rolling her eyes.

Loki sighed. "What are you doing here?"

"Enriching your life with my my powers of awesomeness." She said casually.

"No. I mean, _why_ are you here? What are you trying to do?" He looked at her, frustrated. "How did you get on S.H.E.I.L.D.'s hehicarrier? They _obviously _didn't_ let _you on. You knew down to the exact second when those men would come, and you knew where the beast was to land _before_ he landed, and y_ou keep disappearing before I can kill you._"

"One day, you will cease questioning the vast and incredible reaches of my mind, and simply accept my every word without question." She said, looking at him. She seemed to lose interest then and started looking around. "Do you see any sticky notes around here?"

"No." He said without emotion. He didn't really know what a sticky note was, anyway.

She began looking through some drawers and cabinets. "Ah. Found some." She exclaimed. "And a pen, too." She glanced at him slyly. "Would you be mad if I drew a Hitler mustache on your face?"

"What is a Hitler?" He asked, confused.

"God, and you call yourself a dictator." She rolled her eyes. He glared.

"For your information, I am a _God. _An actual _God."_ Loki said, stressing his point. "I don't need to understand your Midguardian customs and phrases to rule you. I am immortal and invincible!"

"Just keep telling yourself that. I'm sure you'll believe it eventually." She said as she scribbled something out on a little square of yellow paper. Loki glared at her as she pulled her message off and stuck it on the counter behind Tony's bar.

"What is that?" He asked suspiciously.

"The key to your ultimate failure." She said seriously. Loki scowled and marched behind the bar, grabbing the note from the counter top.

"15:13?" He asked, confused.

"Yes." She said, snatching the piece of paper from him and sticking it back on the counter.

"What is the meaning of this message?" He demanded.

"None of your bee's guts." She shot back.

"I fail to see what the innards of one of your pathetic Midguardian insects has to do with my question!"

"And that is why you will never succeed at life." She grabbed her glass and cookies and walked away, to the door leading outside. She held the door open and turned to look at him with a raised eyebrow. "Come watch the end of the world with me?"

He looked at her, blinked, sighed. "Fine. But if you annoy me, I'm throwing you off the side of the tower."

She shrugged. "Fair enough." Loki followed Valkyrie out onto the terrence, where they walked over to to the rail and looked over the city. There were no screams, no panic, not quite yet. None of the Avengers had made it there yet, so all in all, it was an average city night.

"Your pathetic Midguardian city's are no match for the splendor of Asguard." Loki boasted. "You should be ashamed to allow one such as myself to view your human filth."

"Wow. Aren't you a charmer?" Valkyrie rolled her eyes. "And don't go acting like you can be proud of a place that's disowned you. You don't even live there anymore."

"One day, I shall return." Loki said, clasping a hand to his heart and looking into the distance with starry eyes. "I shall reap havoc and force them to pay for all they have done to me! For it is true," He sniffed a little. "My thought-to-be-Father stole me when I was very young, and left scares in my heart with his lies that have left me a cold, heartless villain, beyond redemption! My brother never loved me, and my Father never trusted me, and-"

"-And whine, whine, whine!" Valkyrie interrupted. "Do you ever stop whining? God, no wonder nobody loved you! You were stuck up your own ass all the time. Your not misunderstood, your not an abused child acting out. Your a titty baby, is what you are. Jeez, get over it already. You guys are immortal, it happened...what? Three, four thousand years ago?"

Loki looked at her coldly, dispassionately. Then, with one hand, he picked her up by the belt and held her over the side of the building, glaring at him like a naughty child about to do something bad.

"If you drop me, I'm going to be _so _pissed." She said.

"I did warn you." He said tonelessly.

Then he dropped her.

Her curses and swears were loud, heard the whole way down, and dirty enough to put a drunken dwarf to shame. Loki looked over the edge, watching her intently as she became little more that a rapidly disappearing speck, determined to catch her in the act if she disappeared this time.

And then, the inevitable.

He glanced away for a second.

And of course, when he looked back, Valkyrie was gone. Not even a blot on the pavement. "Son of a _bitch._" The trickster croaked past a dry throat. He picked up the now empty glass lying innocently on the ledge and chucked it over the edge in a fit of childish rage as he stamped his foot and went to meet the Iron Man, who had distracted him from her demise in the first place with his annoying armor making sonic booms as it drew nearer.

He vowed to throw someone else off the tower before this whole thing was over, and by the gods if they didn't die, he was going to be _pissed._

...

His suit was almost out of power, the battle was about to begin, and an angry looking god was waiting for him on his balcony.

As you can imagine, this was not Tony Stark's best day ever.

He landed, the machines on his landing pad removing his suit with smooth efficiency. He walked casually inside, as if he didn't have a care in the world. Damn, he needed to stall until he could get his locating bracelets on. he moved to the bar and got himself a glass and a bottle of whiskey, all cool and collected, while Loki made some speech about ruling us all, trading witty banter with the stuck up prick.

"What have I to fear?" The trickster asked, raising an eyebrow and gesturing to the world in general.

"The Avengers." Tony said, pouring himself a drink and trying not to let Loki notice him eying the bracelets on the counter behind the bar.

Loki raised an eyebrow.

Tony rolled his eyes. "That's what we call ourselves. We're sort of like a team." He said. "Earth's mightiest heroes, that type of thing."

"Yes," Loki said, amused. "I've met them."

"Yes, well." Tony said. "It takes us a while to get any traction, I'll give you that. But lets do a headcount-"

He proceeded to list the Avengers, and as he suspected, the god turned away, obviously annoyed, when he mentioned his brother.

"-the demigod. A super soldier, a living legend-"

Tony quickly clicked his cuffs on while Loki was distracted.

"-that kind of lives up to the legend. A man with breathtaking anger management issues-"

Tony gave a brief glance to a piece of yellow paper stuck to the counter as he talked, noticing a message written on it in handwriting that wasn't Pepper's.

"-a couple of master assassins,"

He picked up the note, careful Loki didn't notice him doing so, and read it.

"-and you've managed to piss off every single one of them."

He carefully put the note back, frowning as he glanced at it, and turned his attention back to Loki.

The god smiled. "Yes, that was the plan."

"Not a very smart plan."

After that, the conversation went pretty much as Tony thought it would. Loki acted aloof. Tony made himself sound cool with an amazing speech. Loki threw him out the window, taking a little too much pleasure in the act for the billionaire's comfort. Tony activated his guided suit, all nice and charged, and it homed in on the bracelets he wore.

After that, he could only hover, watching as the portal opened, the rest of the Avengers arrived, and all hell broke loose.

* * *

_Dr. Banner never specialized in driving helicopters, though he could in an emergency, and he thought this definitely counted. He knew, without really knowing how, that things were about to draw to a head now that Loki had escaped, and he knew the Avengers needed him more than ever. Now, munching on some Oreos he had found in the weirdly coincidental helicopter that janitor had pointed out, he knew he had to get to New York to help._

_And how did he know it was all going down in New York, when he wasn't present for Stark's big revelation on Loki's plans after Fury's inspiring speech? Well, it was quite simple really. He was a superhero.  
_

_According to Hollywood, it **always**_ _went down in New York.__  
_

_Unfourtenetly for him, it was twenty minuets away from the city, burning buildings, and weird flying creatures that he ran out of gas. And **of course **he just had to land the damn thing in front of an old abandoned gas station, which **of course **didn't sell helicopter fuel. It was god damn irony, is what it was, and he cursed his luck.  
_

_He pulled another Oreo out it's package and frowned, thinking. What was he going to do now? He bit down absentmindedly, only to have his eyes bulge out and his hand to fly up to his mouth to carefully pull a folded price of paper out of his mouth. He blinked at it. Blinked some more. Looked at the cookie he had bitten. The entire note had come out when he took a bite, and now sat, slightly rumpled and cookie covered, in his palm.  
_

_What the fuck? He unfolded the note and read it.  
_

_**Look in the shed out back. The keys are under the back tire.**  
_

_It was unsigned. He frowned, looked around at the dusty old gas station, and indeed found an old shed out back. He looked suspiciously at the note, then back to the shed. This was too weird. He pried the door open and peered inside wryly.  
_

_He blinked. A motorcycle. A slow smile lit up his face. The old bike looked like it had gone through three wars to date, but if he pushed it, he could get there in half the time. Glancing at the note again, he walked behind the bike and felt behind the back tire. There. A key. He pulled it out with blank amazement, and then looked around suspiciously, like he was afraid of being followed.  
_

_This was just weird.  
_

_The note fluttered to the ground in a dry breeze as he sped away to the battle taking place over New York._

* * *

**By the way, I do realize some people find the Loki/Valkyrie banter funny, and don't get me wrong, it's sapost to be, but I'd just like to say right here and now that the overall story is not meant to be a comedy.  
**

**And yes, at one point in this story I was making satirical fun of the people who do stories of Loki going all 'oh, my life was terrible' and whoever they pair him up with going 'oh, I understand you, because I was once a god from another dimension stuck in the middle ages with a father that stole me from my monster parents and told me I was normal when I was really a freak, so I totally understand where your coming from'.  
**

**You know the part.  
**


	4. 15:13?

**I feel this one is shorter and less funny, but I almost cried in sheer joy reading the reviews, so I had to do something.**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

Loki watched, annoyed, as yet _another _person was thrown off Stark Tower and refused to die.

Now, he was pissed.

Luckily, the portal opened at that precise moment, and a horde of the chitauri came pouring out to kill the Iron Man, so he didn't really have to worry about it that much. So, he wandered back into the apartment and started poking at things. And then his eyes traveled to the bathroom.

_"I used all the rope hanging your men."_

And indeed, it was true all his men were gone, save the scientist on the roof. And it was a little strange, because he had told them to stay and guard that guy until the portal was open. But would Valkyrie really have...?

He opened the door, and...yep. Yep, those were definitely his minions. Hanging from the ceiling. Dead. Wow that girl was crazy. Of course, these were men he had hired, men from organizations that hated S.H.E.I.L.D., and not men under his mind control.

"Admiring the view?" Came her voice from behind him. He turned, and there she was. Not a hair out of place. Damn, he hated that women.

"How did you gain the ability to teleport?" He demanded.

"Who ever said I could teleport?" She asked over her shoulder as she walked back over to the bar.

"I fail to see any other possibility." He said, following her. Of course, she went straight to the cabinet the Oreos had come out of.

"Nope. Guess again." She pulled yet _another_ package out of the cabinet.

He sighed. "Faster than the eye can follow? Fly's away when I'm not looking? A figment of my imagination that disappears when I try to kill it?"

"All of the above?" She asked, licking the white stuff off the 'Oreos'.

He snorted. "Please. I've seen you interact with the world around us. "

"Ah ah ah, you _thought _you saw me interact with the world around us." She said wisely. "Have you seen anyone but yourself take notice of any changes I've made? Did the men in the helicarrier notice me? Did Tony ask why you left his milk out? Maybe the milk wasn't even real. Maybe you imagined it."

Loki snorted. "Maybe he didn't notice it."

"Maybe that's because it doesn't exist." She countered. Loki glanced doubtfully at the kind of obvious still opened milk carton on the counter. He remembered Stark hadn't even glanced at it.

"You've killed people. And you acted on information I did not posses, something a figment of my imagination could not do. You have also interacted with Banner. He saw you."

"No." She countered, looking at him with amusement in her eyes. "Banner saw an illusion. An illusion you yourself made. And how do you know the men we supposedly avoided were even real? Maybe you imagined them, too. People have been telling you your mad for a while now, maybe there's a reason for that."

Loki looked at her. Looked at her some more. Tentatively, he stretched out his staff and poked her with it, as if to make sure she was real. Valkyrie was looking at him solemnly, pityingly.

Then she burst out laughing.

"Ah...no, no. I was just messing with you." She said, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye. "But keep guessing. It's amusing."

Loki scowled, but refrained from shooting her just for the heck of it. Valkyrie walked back on the tarrance, cookies in hand, and stepped back up to the ledge he had thrown her off of not ten minuets before. Loki sighed, but followed her out and joined her at the ledge.

"If you throw me off again," She said, glaring at him. "I'm totally going to kill you."

He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. "I do not believe you capable."

"Well, you can't kill me. I imagine if I just keep at it, I'll get lucky eventually." She looked at him innocently. "Is that what your trying to do with the whole invasion, take over Earth and Asguard thing? Beat your head against a rock until it shatters? Because I don't see Thor killing you, and I don't see you killing Thor, so really your at an impasse here."

The god turned to her now, angry. "How do you know about my life? What could a puny little mortal girl know about me, an immortal god?"

"I know what you did with that goldfish when you were five." She said, smirking at him. He gaped at her, very much resembling the aforementioned fish.

"I was five!" He sputtered. "I didn't think anyone would miss it! No body found out it was me anyway!" He shook his head. "How do _you _know about that, anyway?"

"I'm physic." She said nonchalantly. "And the entire _library_ burned down. Don't tell me you don't remember how big Asguards library was."

"Your physic?" Loki got a gleam in his eyes.

"Yes." She placed two fingers on the side of her head and appeared to concentrate. "Right now, you are...picturing me naked."

His eyes brightened. "So _that's _how you did it."

Valkyrie stared at him. "Oh my God, I was joking. Tell me you weren't actually picturing me naked."

He stared at her, opened his mouth, closed it. His pale skin slowly blushed to the roots of his hair. "I...uhhh-"

SMACK.

"For a god of Lies, you really are terrible at knowing when to lie about your thoughts."

Loki was left miserably nursing a cheek with a burning red hand print on it while Valkyrie stormed back into the pent house.

"Damn mortal women." He pouted.

* * *

_15:13. 15:13. Hmmm...what could that mean?_

_Tony pondered this as he blasted through hoard after hoard of the...chiwawas? What had Thor called them? __Chitauri_? Well, what ever they were, they were getting their asses kicked. But that message kept bothering him for some reason. 15:13. Where had he heard that before? 

_"Tony, we got him."  
_

_And who left that sticky note in the first place? Loki? No, if it was some sort of bragging message, the smug bastard would have told him himself.  
_

_"Who, Banner?"  
_

_"Yep."  
_

_Definitely not Pepper. He knew her handwriting.  
_

_"Okay guys, I'm bringing the party to you."  
_

_Jarvis? No, he would have just told him whatever that message was sapost to mean. Hell, Jarvis was a machine! He couldn't use a pen!  
_

_"I don't see how that's a party."  
_

_!5:13. 15:13. 15:13. Military time, maybe?  
_

_"Tony, get everyone out of there! Their sending in a nuke!"  
_

_He needed to get his head in the game.  
_

_"I can close it! I can close the portal!"  
_

_Then it hit him. Like a smack from god. 15:13. **John **15:13.  
_

_"Wait! Hold it open a moment longer! Wait for my signal!"  
_

___He was going to die. And then Pepper was going to kill him._

_"Sir, shall I call Miss Pots?"  
_

_"Yes, Jarvis. I think you should."  
_

_Damn signs from above. And what else could it be? There was just no time. No time for his mind to convince him to turn tail and head for the hills. It hit him at the precise moment he didn't have time to discount it.  
_

_"All power failing. Reverting to back up energy."  
_

_Not enough to get him back. Just enough to save the world. God, he was going to have such bragging rights in...well, probably hell. He could hear himself now. 'Oh, you got a chainsaw through the eye? Well I exploded in a nuclear blast saving the world from invading aliens. Ha! Up that Hitler!'  
_

_And then there was Captain America. 'Take that, Steve! You crash a plane into some ice? I crash a multimillion dollar Iron Man suit into a space ship! Now who doesn't know how sacrifice, eh Steven?'  
_

_Oh. Wow. _

_Deathblow explosions shouldn't be so pretty.  
_

_John 15:13. Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his own life for a friend._

_'Or friends' He told himself numbly.  
_

_His last thoughts were of the Avengers.  
_

_He wondered, would his death be avenged?  
_

_Darkness._

* * *

**Sob. Poor Tony. That movie would have been so good if you'd died.**_  
_

**Sad, but good.  
**

**Does it make me a bad person if I wish Iron Man had died just to make a movie more entertaining? Ah, well. He didn't actually die in this fanfic, but I enjoyed writing this, nevertheless. It's going to go just like the movie does.  
**

**Read and Review.  
**


	5. In Which a God is Mercilessly Tasered

**To answer a question in the reviews; Val(sounds like it's spelled)-ka(like ca)-ry(or r-ee) Or at least, that's how I say it.**

**Val-ka-ree**

**Valkyrie.**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

**Earlier:**

Loki slunk back inside eventually, wary of the offended woman's wrath. _Hell hath no fury. _The trickster thought to himself as he peered around corners and glared suspiciously at walls. He finally found her in what he assumed was the Man of Iron's..._lab,_ as he had heard it called. She was using a..._welding tool,_ to do-something. Thinking himself clever, he snuck up behind her as quiet as a mouse and peered over her shoulder.

"It's not polite to stare."

Loki jumped, then quickly regained his composure and scowled. Valkyrie lifted the welding mask off her face and turned to look at him sternly.

"Have you come to apologize?" She asked, like talking to a child.

Loki's scowl deepened. "I am incapable of wrongdoing. It is you who should be begging at my feet for mercy for your insolence."

Valkyrie frowned. "Bad Loki. Bad."

"What?"

"Very bad Loki. No-no." She shook her finger at him.

Loki sputtered. "You will stop treating me like some common, Midguardian pet this instant, you mewling-!"

She got him in the face with a spray bottle.

Loki went reeling back in sheer surprise, face dripping wet and blinking furiously.

"Behave." She admonished.

"You...you..." He sputtered indignantly.

"Shut up."

"You sprayed water all over my beautiful face!" He shrieked.

She snorted. "You wish it was water."

"You absolute _beast_ of a woman!" He seethed.

"One more word out of that mouth mister, and I'm never sharing cookies with you again." She threatened, giving him a glare and turning back to her work on the lab table.

"Insolent dog!"

"Stop calling yourself names."

"I will destroy you!"

"Don't you ever get new insults?"

"The nerve!"

"Yes, your getting all over mine."

"I will flay you alive and feed your bloody, skinless corpse to the fire ants of Muspellsheimr!"

"Is that even a real thing?"

"Damn you to Kasarekell!"

"Okay, now your just making up words."

"Die!"

"Seriously, this isn't getting old for you?"

Loki stamped his foot, actually _stamped his foot, _and turned away with a swirl of his cape. "I will not be treated this way!" He shouted. "You may return to this one's presence once you have learned to respect your betters!"

"You act like _I _came to see _you_."

Loki snarled and stomped out the door, leaving Valkyrie hunched over her work, mask back in place and welder fired up again.

"See you in an hour." She muttered.

...

It was not, infact, an hour before the God came crawling back, but fifteen minuets.

He did it discreetly, of course, in that non-discreet fashion of his, by poking his nose around the corner of the door and finding the girl, not crying at the loss of his presence as he had expected, but still tinkering away at something as if she had not a care in the world.

He frowned, confused. Was the absence of his Godly glory not agonizing to her? He mulled this possibility over for a few minuets, watching her work, then discarded it as silly. _She must be faking it, _he concluded. _She is obviously crying on the inside, regretting ever driving me away._

He summoned his ego and strode into the room, chin held high and looking disdainfully down his nose at her. She ignored him. He cleared his throat, shifting impatiently, trying to grab her attention. She didn't react. Loki began tapping his foot as he glared at the back of her head. Finally, in a huff, he shouted, "Hey!"

She ignored him.

"Helloooo!" He began jabbing her with the tip of his spear. "Hey! Hey! Helloooo! Anyone in there? I'm talking to yooou!"

She jabbed him with a metal poker.

"Ow!" He shouted, rubbing his shoulder and glaring at her. Valkyrie held the stick up by the handle, not looking away from the device she was working on, and clicked a button on the side. A dangerous hum filled the air.

"You think to harm a god with such a puny weapon?" Loki sneered. "I have taken greater blows from a-"

**_Zap!_**

"Ow!"

**_Zap!_**

"Stop it!"

**_Zap!_**

"That's just plane mean!"

**_Zap! Zap! Zap!_**

"Fuck!"

**_Zap!_**

"Wait. What are you doing?" **_Zap._** "Don't stick that there!" **_Zap._** "Wait!" **_Zap._** "No-no, I'm sorry! Please!" **_Zap._** "No! I need that! Noooooo!"

**_ZZZZZZZZZAP!_**

* * *

Twenty minuets, three bags of ice, and one unfortunate raw steak later, Loki was _relatively _uncharred. He was sulking, though. After storming out, furiously insisting in his most high pitched voice that he was a god, and therefore unbreakable, he had gone to do battle on one the alien thing's flying whatever they were, when his _ex-_minion, Clint, had fired a _fuck mothering exploding arrow _in his _face._

He, of course, had crashed back into Stark towers, where Valkyrie waited exactly two feet in front of his landing place with a smirk on her face, like she hadn't just electrocuted the crap out of him ten minuets ago_. _He found himself admiring the toes of her black boots, following them up to their owner with his eyes.

"I got a present for you." She smiled excitedly.

He blinked up at her. Blinked at her some more.

"I just got blown up." He articulated slowly. "You nearly electrocuted me into a coma. I don't care what you have for me."

"Hey, maybe sense you're warring _metal armor,_ you shouldn't be picking at the girl that just invented a taser gun thingy."

Thinking it wise, Loki quickly melted his Asguardian armor back into his less conspicuous green trench coat, and grudgingly accepted the hand that pulled him to his feet.

"I did apologize," Loki grumbled. "Something you will never, ever, ever hear again. Be grateful."

"Ha! You apologized all right! I can't recall the last time I heard a guy hit a note that high." Valkyrie flicked her hands and dusted off his jacket, then gave him a fond pat on the cheek and turned away. "Oh, and hey..." She turned back. "Do you remember why I was mad at you in the first place?"

...

"I hate you so much right now."

"I know."

...

"Can I have my present now?"

"You may."

She handed him large, bulky...gun? He thought that's what they were called. It was the same aforementioned, 'taser gun thingy', the device she had been working on in Stark's pillaged lab. He took it and studied it carefully.

"For me?" With some surprise.

"For you." She smiled that sneaky smile. "May I make a suggestion on how to use it?"

He looked at her suspiciously out of the corner of his eye, but nodded cautiously.

"See that?" She directed his gaze with a finger to a bright spark in the distance, quickly gaining altitude.

"Yes..." He said suspiciously.

"That should be Stark right about now," She said. "That is, if he decoded the message I left him at the precise time I think he will, flying a nuke into your precious portal thingy to blow up your army of four armed zombie slug people."

"You left him a what?"

"Hush." She admonished. "No time for that now. You have exactly..." She looked at her watch. "-forty three seconds before he reaches the gateway, after which a red haired super spy named after a spider will shut the door, so to speak, on our other worldly guests."

That fire was back in his eyes, and his hands began twitching with the desire to be wrapped around her throat. A vein pulsed in his forehead.

"Our only hope is to shoot him before he gets through." She declared.

"Our?"

"Don't be thick."

"You knew this would happen, didn't you?"

"He's coming."

"And you wasted my time with-!"

"SHOOT!" She shrieked.

"Ahhhh!" Loki shouted in frustration, spinning around and slamming his finger down on the trigger. Twin coils of wire shot out of the mouth of the gun, slamming into the back plates of Stark's Iron Man suit just as he flew past them, straight up into the portal. Loki watched in anticipation as the metal hooks at the end of the wires tore into the metal of Tony's suit, stuck, and...and...

Did nothing, really.

In fact, Stark didn't even seem to notice them. He flew straight up, and it was then that the god noticed that the wire continued to uncoil and fly after him, long after he disappeared into the darkness of space, acting like a tether to this world.

"It didn't do anything!" Loki shrieked in frustration.

"Hurry! Hit the green button!" Valkyrie yelled, panicked.

"What does it do?" Loki shouted, conflicted.

"It shocks him! Hurry!"

Gritting his teeth in irritation, Loki pushed the green button on the butt end of the gun device, thinking that maybe he probably should have ignored the girl and pushed the red button right next to it instead, but not having the time to fix it.

And of course, it didn't shock him.

In fact, it seemed to be _reeling him in,_ wire whirring as it retracted back into the gun, when Stark probably would have _died anyway_, and god this was _just not his day_!

Loki threw the gun away and whirled around in a rage to face the girl, who didn't seem quite as panicked as she should be, and shouted, "You made me _save him! _The man who is about to destroy my army! This device is _saving him!_"

"Uh...maybe it was the red button."

Loki gave a wordless shriek, and started towards her.

"Well, I would love to stay for dinner," Valkyrie said, backing away with that same smile on her face. "But you seem to be busy having a melt down. So...I'll just be leaving. Oh, and good luck with your other guest."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Loki shouted.

Then the Hulk landed on the parapet.

_Oh Fuck__._

* * *

**Just because...I mean really! Stark just _happened_ to fall back into the portal? No way. I like my way better. Someone anonymous shot him in the back and reeled him back in, batman style.**

**Yah, I like that.**

**Read and Review.**


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